The New Phone Blues

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I have always had bad luck with phones. After having to get a new phone less than 2 months ago I have already found a way to destroy that one. The worst part is that I have no idea what I did to this one. All I know is that starting about 2 days ago my phone would not turn on, or would turn on then off by itself after less than 5 minutes. I started getting really angry at myself that I was so tied to a single piece of technology that wasn't even available to the masses 15 years ago.

So I got a new phone, now I need people's numbers. Unfortunately my old phone was so messed up that they couldn't transfer my contacts. This forces me to find other ways to fill up my phone's list, and inevitably I will turn to the one proven method left: Facebook. The Facebook event is overused yes, but things become cliche for a reason. So please post your number either here or on Facebook... or else just text me.

Mystery Tream

I think it is kind of awesome how much free entertainment people can get off of YouTube these days. Stars are made every day now without any budget for film making or distribution. The most popular and most prolific YouTube stars have even been rewarded for their efforts with big advertising deals (see the chocolate rain guy, who did a commercial for Dr. Pepper) or even spots in the cast of Saturday Night Live (see Andy Samberg of The Lonely Island).

My favorite comedy crew to come out of YouTube is Derrick Comedy. Derrick Comedy came to my attention in college when I first saw their shorts "Bro Rape," "Pennyweather Lemonade" and "Keyboard Kid."  These were my links of choice at the time to send to people, letting them know how cool and "in the know" I am. So imagine my excitement when I found out they are coming out with a movie. Mystery Team has gotten my hopes high.

Celebrity Crushes

first things first- I wanna make it very clear that I am unbelievably happy with TheLady. It is the best and healthiest relationship I have ever been in. That being said I feel like this post may be in order. There are a few questions that I would describe as "stock" when you are first getting to know someone. These questions range from "democrat or republican?" to "what did you/do you major in in college?" One of the questions I have been confronted with time and time again is "who is your celebrity crush?"

  I have often struggled to answer this question. First of all, I always wanted to represent myself as an enlightened man, who is beyond picking his crushes based solely on physical appearance. Somehow along the way I have told myself this enough times that now I actually believe it. I am familiar with the "interweb" and so I am familiar with what most guys view as the pinnacle of physical sexual conquests, but that just doesn't do it for me. To earn the status of one of my celebrity crushes a woman must show me much more than a simple Maxim spread. So without further adu here is a list of my top celebrity crushes

1) Tina Fey

I think that a lot of people have a big crush on Ms. Fey. Aside from being very physically attractive Tina Fey seems cool as shit. She was the first female head writer of SNL which is pretty impressive and her TV show (30 Rock) is one of the funniest shows this decade. Although she is older, she ranks as #1 in my celebrity crush list, beating the rest of the competition by leaps and bounds.

2)Maggie Gyllenhaal

Some people put Gyllenhaal down, saying she is a "smush-face." Although I suppose I can see where this characterization comes from I still think she is pretty good looking. In addition to her good looks, Gyllenhaal is intelligent and classy by all accounts. Her staring roll in the best comic book movie of all time (the Dark Knight) doesn't hurt either.

 

3) Giada De Laurentiis

The only Food Network star on this list, Ms. DeLaurentiis is the the quintessential 1950's fantasy wife. She is super hot and also makes a phenomenal pork chop accompanied by potatoes Au gratin. She is by far the most crush-worthy Food Network star (if you mention Rachel Ray to me I will slap you silly).

 

4) Portia de Rossi

It is no secret that I think Arrested Development is the greatest show to ever exist on network television. Portia De Rossi was a big part of that. Aside from giving heterosexual males the "eye-candy" incentive necessary to tune into Fox she also showed that she is hilarious. I find it deeply regrettable that she is a lesbian (although I suppose I wouldn't have had a chance with her anyway).

5) Lena Svenson

The only local personality on this list, Lena is a DJ at the local radio station KDWB. I have been listening to morning radio more and more frequently lately (since I have been driving into school) and Svenson just seems down as shit. She also gains points for being a Minnesota girl. Doing a search for this post was actually the first time I have ever seen a picture of Ms. Svenson but she is pretty hot right?

*Post Script 

After listening to the She and Him album repeatedly I just realized how in love with Zooey Deschanel I am... she now tops everyone on this list except Tina Fey... they are tied

Snow Storm

I had a lot of things planned for today. I was going to take my criminal law exam then go to a meeting for the executive board of the Criminal Law Association then head to watch a mock trial. Snow ruined all of that. 

A lot of my classmates were happy about my test's cancellation, I was not among them. I studied last night and all morning and when 3 PM came I was ready to get the exam over with. Unfortunately just as I was getting ready to touch my pencil to paper the professor came in and told us that because of the snowstorm the test would be postponed. This made me mad because it means nothing more than an extra 4 days of stressing out. Of course this class cancellation also meant the cancellation of my CLA meeting (something I was not terribly upset about). The mock trial was also cancelled due to snow, which in some ways is a good thing because now I have another opportunity to coach the kids before their round. After all of my obligations for the day were cancelled the question became: how do I use this time?

As a law student we don't get a lot of time. This unexpected windfall of free minutes led most of my classmates to go out for a beer before going home. When asked if I was going out I told them that I should probably get going home. I drove in to school today in anticipation of the mock trial round and felt that I should get home before the roads became to bad to drive on. What a mistake that was.

I spent over an hour on the horrible roads, about 40 minutes of that just waiting to get onto the highway. I can't speak for all highways, but many of the entrance ramps here in Minneapolis have stoplights on them to moderate incoming cars during times of high traffic. This afternoon an accident occurred right at those stop lights. This made it so that no cars (except the carpool lane) could get onto the highway until the accident was cleared up. To occupy my time I called up Brewdog, who goes to school in LA and asked him how it felt to be in a place like that when the sky is falling in his hometown. 

As I talked to my old friend I noticed that many of the cars were now hopping the median to get into the car pool lane despite the fact that they only person in the car was the driver. I watched as the number of cars jumping into illegality increased while a few do-gooders at the front of the line continued to play the waiting game with righteous indignation. when weighing whether to join their ranks or not I pondered for a moment the oath I will have to take as a lawyer to never knowingly break the law. After thinking about this I thanked the lord I had not yet been admitted to the bar and started my attempt at the single person car pool. My car being only a sedan it actually took me three attempts to hop the median. Each of the first two times after an unsuccessful first try I timidly pulled back into my lane, telling myself I didn't want to break the law anyway. 

Eventually I succeeded in my plan to violate the traffic statutes and for a moment I was very happy. There is a little rush that comes along with thinking you have gotten away with something you know is wrong, I have not felt this very many times in my life as I have always been very fearful of authority but right now I was swimming in these feelings of euphoria. That feeling, however, would proved to be short lived. Immediately after I switched into the carpool lane I saw an undercover police car's lights go off. "No" I thought "this can't be happening... EVERYONE was switching lanes." Thankfully the car passed me and went on to the highway, but the moment of panic renewed my resolve try not to do anything illegal no matter how minor a violation. 

The rest of the drive was uneventful but long and slow. I stopped to get a 12 pack of Summit on the way home, ensuring that if I was snowed in at least I had good beer to keep me company. On the whole, I wish I had gone out for a beer with my law school friends. It would have probably made my commute home shorter and I would have gotten to feel back in touch with the people around me. Oh well, next time I just need my friend JLethal to threaten to dropkick me if I don't come out with him. 

Crunch Time

I have a midterm today in my criminal law class. Despite the fact that I am very interested in becoming a criminal prosecutor this class has been unable to hold my interest. Not paying attention for most of the semester might catch up with me, but thankfully I have the law school life-raft known as CrunchTime.

There are a lot of pre-prepared outlines available in just about any class for law students. This vary from books that offer examples and explanations on any course subject to full out outlines of a given class. Emanuel is one of the top publishers of study resources for students and has sever different products. At the beginning of the summer before my first year I bought a few hornbooks (as these supplemental volumes are often called) in the hopes that I would get far ahead in my course reading over the summer and come to school more prepared than any of my other classmates. This goal proved to be unrealistic and the hornbooks sat in my room unopened until finals. During my first finals period I opened the hornbooks for the first time and was a bit overwhelmed. The outlines for any given course cover much more than any teacher could possibly teach in 1 semester. I filled my head facts that were completely irrelevant to the entry level courses I was taking and as a result probably did worse.

This semester I bought a CrunchTime book, the kind I had seen my fellow students using before the finals. It is much thinner than the other books, includes less information which I believe makes it more useful. I just opened my Criminal law CrunchTime two day ago and was shocked at the ease with which it taught me all the things my teacher has been trying to get inside my brain for weeks. The CrunchTime included flow charts to help distinguish between different crimes of the same general type and sever practice questions. It also includes a list of places where law profs. often try to trip students up.

I don't know how I survived first semester without any of the CrunchTime books, but I can assure you I intend to purchase a full arsenal of CrunchTimes to supplement the remainder of my legal education.

Favorite Candy Bars

As most people know I have a bit of a sweet tooth. I have been a big candy fan ever since I can remember. Although I go through cycles with what candy bars I consume there are a few that I go back to time and time again when I am looking for a sugar high.

1. The Whatchamacallit

The Whatchamacallit is in many ways the end all bar of the Hamborgler candy dynasty. I would say that at least 20% of my total girth can be directly attributed to this exquisite product from Hershey's

2.  The Take 5

Although a relative newcomer to the scene this bar has quickly risen up the ranks to the upper echelon of Hamborgler treats. It also makes for a great McFlurry at McDonald's (the only McFlurry worth getting in my opinion).

3. the 100 Grand

Once in high school my mock trial coach told me she would give me "one hundred thousand dollars" if I scored well in a trial. After we won the trial and I found out I had received two 10s (the highest possible score) she told me she was only going to give me a "one hundred thousand dollar bar." First of all, if she was going to use trickery she should have said the name of the bar. I was never really expecting her to give me that kind of money in cash. I did get pissed at her when she didn't even give me the candy bar. She sucked.

4. the Toblerone

The Toblerone is a bar I only treat myself to when I am feeling especially fancy. Although it is Swiss it is far from neutral to my taste buds (insert rim shot here). 

5. The Caramello

Although usually I require a certain amount of crunch in my candy bars I find the Caramello a great change of pace. As a Cadbury product the chocolate is easily superior to most other bars in the check out aisle and the smooth caramel makes you feel like you can take on anything the day can throw at you.

The Shuttle Shuffle

My law school is located in downtown Minneapolis but has an undergraduate school located in St. Paul. To save on rent, I opted to live near the undergraduate campus. At first I was concerned about the cost of transportation, after all when I was choosing where to live gas prices were on the rise and parking downtown can be extremely expensive. Thankfully, the school operated a shuttle between the 2 campuses; this meant I could walk to the undergraduate campus and save on both gas and parking. 

I wasn't the only person from the Law school that had this plan. Over first semester I made a fair amount of Shuttle friends. One of these shuttle friends, Groucho, has had a few problems with the shuttle system, in particular the shuttle drivers. An important thing to know about Groucho is that she hates everything. I love talking to her because her hatred for everyone and everything is both hilarious and a stark contrast to my own enthusiasm for life. Uniformly I will look over at her during a class and see a look that reflects her disgust on the inside for whatever professor is currently wasting her time. Groucho's disgust apparently could be seen by one of the bus drivers that usually works the Shuttle route. As a result this bus driver from time to time would drive away when he saw Groucho running to try and catch the shuttle or other assorted minor slights. I always laughed at her and wondered how she inadvertently was able to make someone she had little to no contact with dislike her so. 

Then this morning I got a little taste of the spite of the shuttle route drivers. This morning I walked to the shuttle for the first time in about a month and when I got to the stop I realized I did not have my school ID (a requirement for admission to the bus). I had forgotten my ID before and it had never been a big deal, so long as it did not become habitual. This was not the attitude of this particular bus driver. He was a new guy on the route and I had never seen him before but he looked like the Marlboro man. He had a mustache and sunglasses and although I can't remember for sure I think he was wearing a cowboy hat. when I told him "I forgot my ID" rather than being met with the customary "ok just have it next time" he shoo-ed me away. I looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?" I asked "I can show you my state ID and my law school books, there are seats available on the bus are you really going to not let me on?" He growled back "you know you are supposed to have your ID to get on the bus... You don't have your ID so you can't get on." I stared for a second in shock and then continued trying to persuade him (after all, if I didn't get on this shuttle I would be late for class).  I looked around the bus and saw every other passenger watching this scene with the same incredulous look I had. One of my classmates behind me was looking at the Marlboro man like he was crazy. Eventually he grumbled that I could get on this time, but if I tried the same stunt tomorrow it would be a completely different story. 

After getting off the Bus a few of my classmates and even some faculty turned to me, expressing that they believed the drivers reaction to be just as odd and inappropriate as I did. Groucho, who had been on the bus, said to me "only to you... that would only happen to you." I don't understand why though? why is it that people needlessly being mean to me is something that my friends and classmates have grown to expect? 

Oh well... I guess I just better have my ID tomorrow.

I bust onto the Minnesota Hish School Mock Trial Scene (I guess)

As many of those reading this post know I have been fairly obsessed with mock trial since I was a sophomore in high school. Sometime I will go into how important it was in my development and all that it has meant to me, but that is mushy stuff and has no place here. What is important for this story is for you to know that a few weeks ago I judged a few rounds of Minnesota High School mock trial. Usually they don't allow law students to judge but when they asked my father to judge they told him that I could tag along and judge too. Since I have been unable to compete in mock trial as a first year law student I have been climbing up the walls like a crack addict. This is the longest I have gone without mock trial since I was 15 years old and it is a strange feeling.  

One of the teams I judged was straight up spectacular. The attorney bank could have gone toe to toe with some of the better college attorneys in the country. They had some minor flaws that usually get ironed out with experience, but they were the best high school team I have seen in years. After the trial I gave my comments and they went on for a while, but they listened to every word. It was wonderful. I got to feel smart again, and have people listen to me (two feelings that are in high demand and low supply as a first yer law student). After the trial the coach got my E-mail and asked me if I might be interested in coaching next year, or at least coming by to tell the students about college mock trial. I got pretty excited. I had already been asked by a few other schools if I would be interested in coaching them next year and I didn't know how to respond. 

I knew that I had to find a way to be compensated for my time. Sure, it would have been great to make a little money coaching high school mock trial but it wasn't something I was expecting. A lot of my friends who coach things are surprised that I could not get paid for my services. People who coach dance and debate often ask me how much money I am making for teaching kids how to pretend to be lawyers. The problem is one of supply and demand.  Most high schools in the city have good sized coaching staffs made up completely of volunteers. A lot of the kids who compete in high school mock trial have parents that are attorneys (go figure). So parents volunteer their time and us mercenary coaches are out of a job. Luckily I am able to be compensated in other ways. My school requires each student to complete 50 hours of public service before they graduate. Luckily for me mock trial coaching can count toward this requirement. 

So last Friday I met with the head coach of the school I judged (we will call them School B). She told me about the way she runs the program and how all the kids are very excited at the prospect of me coming to coach them. Everything she told me sounded very good, and I grew more and more excited to work with this group of kids. So on Sunday I took a break from doing homework to go and help them out a bit. I like to think I helped them a fair amount, but thus far I have only spent 3 hours of work time with them. 

the funny thing about this is my adoption of this team has already hit the mock trial blogosphere. This morning I was sent this E-mail by the team's head coach:

(just for a little context this is from a blog which is predicting the winners of each high school region. It is written by a kid I competed against a couple of times. I think it is fair to say he is even more obsessed with mock trial than I am.)

Hey [TheHamborger],

Check out what they are saying at [the blog in question]:

"Region 11: This region was originally a mix of many recent state contenders: Apple Valley (2006), Spring Lake Park (2007), [School B] (2007), and Meadow Creek (2006 and 2008). I figured MCC and [School B] to be the main contenders, but Apple Valley provided a nice surprise, and upon retrospect it’s hard to see how I neglected to consider their regional performance prior to Round 4. Nevertheless, [School B] has the strongest showing in this region thus far if we go off pure point differential, and I wouldn’t be so concerned with the fact that they’ll be prosecution in Round 5. Here’s why: [TheHamborgler], an alum of both [My High School's] national team in 2003 as well as [My College's] acclaimed college mock trial team, has stepped in to help [School B] out. Having personally faced [TheHamborgler] in competition twice (first as a freshman in high school and then as a freshman at UMM during the National Championships last year), I have a lot of faith in his ability to inspire and lead. Apple Valley, and for that matter all the teams who will eventually go on to State, ought to be very afraid."

 

The kids were very excited to read this.  I hope they don't get their hopes too high.. . . .

Thanks for your help this weekend.  If you are free this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon, stop by!
[The Head Coach of School B]

 

This is a pretty cool compliment to me. I have only worked with this team for one day and already this kid is telling other teams to be scared. First of all I think other teams should have been scared of this team even before I got involved. I just hope that my help can push them over the edge. I want to go to their trial on Thursday but I am not sure if I will have the time. If they make it I think they will make some serious noise at State... at least they will if I have anything to say about it. 

hopefully I can be the hero here.

My first Racquetball Tournament

  The first time I ever played racquetball was when I was a freshman in college. I was a bit over a semester in when one of the seniors on the mock trial team invited me to try playing. I figured it would be a laugh an accepted his invitation. It was hardly what you would call love at first sight. On my first attempt at racquetball I was stumbling all over the court trying to catch a ball that was moving much faster than I could keep up with. I must have looked like Wily Coyote trying to catch the road runner. After that I played pretty consistently and got better as I got more practice. Now I play at least twice a week and would like to think I can hang with most people. This weekend taught me that I was wrong.

I was suckered into playing in this tournament by the leader of my school racquetball league. He told me that these competitions are always fun, are a good way to meet people and play a lot. I have always felt like racquetball is one of those "boardroom" type games. A game that a starting low level employee can use to build a relationship with a senior executive. This being the case I bit the bullet and invested the $45 entry fee in hopes that I would increase my skills enough to impress even the most skilled hiring partner. 

Although I paid the entry fee I wasn't happy about it. At this point in my life $45 is a lot of money. I was just going to have to make sure that I got my moneys worth. Overall I think I cam out even, but that is debatable.  Throughout this post I will keep a running tally of the experiences at the tournament that made this weekend worth either more or less to try and determine whether the $45 was well spent. 

Friday

6:15 PM- My first round is scheduled at 7:30 out in Fridley. Being that I HATE being late for anything I make sure that I have enough time to get where I am supposed to be with enough time to adjust in case I get lost. Also I have to pick up a couple of 18 year old college freshman to give them a ride (one is my doubles partner). Neither of them chip in for gas during the entire weekend. Current tournament value: -$7.23

6:55 PM- I walk into the Fridley LifeTime Fitness. This place is like a small city. There are an amazing amounts of exercise machines and they are pretty full even at this time on a Friday night. The place is so cool I get the feeling that I am a champion just for being allowed to step foot in such a new age sports facility. Current tournament value: $10.

7:05 PM- I look at the draw for my first round. I am very excited for this because I have been playing pretty much the same 8 or 9 players for the last 6 months. I see that my draw is against the leader of the St. Thomas racquetball league, a person I play twice a week. Current tournament value: $8

7:10 PM- I sign into the tournament and as I sign in they give me a new canister of balls and a couple of sweat bands for my wrist. I wasn't expecting any merchandise. Current tournament value $20

7:45 PM- my opponent arrives at the court for 7:30 match. I know him and he is very good. He is actually sponsored by Eklecton so he has a lot of experience and much nicer equipment than me. My only hope lies in the fact that he is only playing his first tournament back from a 6 month hiatus. Apparently he had injured his right wrist and so he had been playing left for a few months. This proves to not be an issue as he beats me 15-7, 15-9. Although I was beaten I still had a lot of fun. Current tournament value $25

8:30 PM- My doubles partner, MoWilly and I are just waiting around the courts looking at good players. For the first time I take a good long look at the rest of the competitors. Overall racquetball players are not a good looking bunch. There is a guy who has huge curly hair and a face that is very rounded like a clowns, a couple people with extremely lazy eyes (the kind of lazy that would decide to sit home and play Xbox instead of going out to play paintball on dune buggies) and an angry looking guy with a huge king tut goatee. I decide that I am one of the most attractive guys there and it does wonders for my confidence. Current tournament value: $35.

8:45 MoWilly and I find an open court and decide to just play for fun. Although I play MoWilly often I always enjoy chances to dash his hopes of beating me. This day his beating comes quickly. Current tournament value: $40

10:30 we leave Fridley in the middle of an ice storm. I am pissed I agreed to drive. Also my next round is tomorrow morning at 9AM, and I did not sleep well the night before. Current tournament value: $30

Saturday

7:15 AM- why the shit did I agree to be in a tournament that wouldn't let me sleep in? I am tired and groggy, I take a naked juice out of the fridge and then go to pick up MoWilly. Current tournament value: $25

8:30 AM we get to Lifetime Fitness and it is somewhat surreal. There parking lot is still packed.  We walk in and want to warm up but our opponents are already there so we get no time. We play pretty well but still get beaten. I live my life in the consolation bracket. Current tournament value: $20.

9:15 AM- there is little spread of food out for players to eat. I decide I am gonna get my moneys worth. I take two plain bagels and half a chocolate muffin over the course of the morning. I also take a healthy amount of trail mix and Gatorade. If I am gonna lose every match I will at least take all the food I want. Current tournament value: $27.50 

9:45 AM- MoWilly and I don't play again until noon. We decide we are going to take advantage of every perk the lifetime fitness has to offer. We go down to the locker room and it is very nice. Granite benches and mahogany cabinets line the walls. I feel very classy. Current tournament value: $35.

9:47 AM- we get into the steam room. I have never been in a steam room before but it is strange. I can't see more than 2 feet in front of me so I am walking with my hands out. I take a deep breath in and it tastes like Halls cough drops. Also it hurts to keep my eyes open. Carrying on a conversation with MoWilly feels awful on my throat. I decide I hate steam rooms. Current tournament value $30

9:58 AM- We get into the sauna instead. Men are sitting on the benches with only towels wrapped around themselves and some are actually doing push-ups or sit-ups. I find this strange. Also they are talking about the economy. I feel like all of a sudden I am plugged into the secret brotherhood of corporate America. The Sauna is where all the business happens. Men are talking about sports stadiums, the stimulus package and tax revenues. I feel like just for being in here I will be promoted to junior project manager, even though I don't have a job in the first place. Current tournament value: $38

10:15 AM- MoWilly and I get into the jacuzzi. There is not a communal jacuzzi rather there is a male jacuzzi in the male locker room and a female jacuzzi in the female locker room. Everyone is walking around the locker room completely naked, dongs hanging to and fro. regardless of age or body type the men in the locker room were naked. This makes MoWilly and I a little nervous about the sanity of the jacuzzi. We feel a bit better when we see that there are pretty specific rules that state that in order to get into the whirlpool one must be wearing proper swim attire. MoWilly and I sit in the hot tub feeling OK until we see an old man, to whom the rule apparently does not apply walk down the steps and into the water completely in the buff. We were weirded out. Current tournament value: $30

11 AM- We go upstairs and watch some racquetball. Apparently one of the elite players in the state has a following amongst 14 year old girls that wear too much make-up. There are a couple of girls with obvious self esteem issues there to cheer him on. This dude looks like a complete tool and his cheering section does nothing for him. I mercilessly make fun of him in my mind. If i made fun of him out loud he might challenge me to racquetball and destroy me. But I slyly smile to myself. He is a fool. Current tournament value: $35.

11:30 AM- apparently when you hit around 30 years of age the only thing you have to live for is Saturday basketball league at the Lifetime Fitness in Fridley. We were watching from above as several grown men almost came to blows over a 10 minute basketball game. Our favorite guy to watch was wearing an overweight 35 year old balding man wearing a shirt that had "Rebs" written on it. Rebs didn't touch the ball the entire game but down by 2 with only 35 seconds left in the game he started going berserk on everyone, even his own team. We were cracking up watching this guy. Eventually his team lost because the other team held on to the ball for the last 20 seconds. This drove Rebs really crazy. Even after he lost he kept walking around the gym for a solid 20 minutes yelling at everyone about how his team had been wronged. We really hoped he got into a fight and he came close several times, but unfortunately our dream never came to fruition. Current Tournament value $45.

12 PM- I have another round against an older guy. I play alright but I ultimately lose. I hate losing. Current tournament value: $40

12:45 PM- apparently this tournament comes with a free lunch as well. we get a nice turkey sandwich and Sunchips. I have not had Sunchips since I was like 17. They are awesome. New love discovered. Current tournament value: $50

2 PM- I play my second doubles match. MoWilly and I are up against a European sounding lady and an old dude that looks like he has lived hard. Rumor has it that he often goes to racquetball tournaments and plays wearing chicken costumes or wedding dresses. For a moment I see my future. He walks over and pretends to sneeze putting a large fake snot strand from his nose while leaning over us. I decide I do not want to be this guy, but he is funny. Current tournament value: $60.

2:40 PM- MoWilly and I get stomped by the woman and the guy who lives hard. I end my tournament without winning. Current Tournament value: $55

4 PM- I had to wait around while MoWilly and his other partner have their last match. I am so tired and sore. After they finish their match I decide to go down to the locker room again and have a nice little hot tub soak. This time there are about 15 people in the jacuzzi and MoWilly and I realize we are the exception because we followed the swimsuit rule. At one point an employee comes to the hot tub to yell at 1 person for being naked but does not reprimand the 10 other naked people. At my feet I feel something which is both firm and has the feeling of gelatin. I get really grossed out and I decide that under no circumstances should I look to see what the object at my feet is. Current tournament value: $35

6 PM- I get home and am dead tired. I can't go out to a party with friends because I need to sleep. I consider this a value deterioration. Then I realize that I just spent 2 whole days playing racquetball. I did a lot of exercise instead of spending 2 nights drinking beer and eating candy. I am proud of this weekend that evidences a healthier kind of life style. Overall tournament value: $45

So yeah... I think I got my money's worth. But We will see if I register for any more tournaments in the future. If I do I need to get better. I am damn sure not walking out of another weekend like this without winning. 

Pencil Christmas

I don't like to be bored. I try give myself every excuse I can to break free of doldrums of law school life and try to be as joyous as possible. One effect of this attitude is that I take ordinary occasions and arbitrarily announce them to be holidays. Today I had just the right excuse. Pencil Christmas.

At 11 this morning I was studying for my 1:30 exam when I realized that I didn't have a pencil to take it with. Thankfully for me Target is about a 5 minute walk through the skyway so I had the ability to pick out some school supplies with out too much trouble. When I got to the school supplies aisle I was met with the familiar dilemma of choosing which box to get. As you know, it is impossible to buy a single mechanical pencil in this market so essentially I had the choice between buying 5 high-end mechanical pencils for 4 dollars or 50 generic Target brand pencils for 5 dollars. I splurged. 

The reason for this decision is somewhat deeply ingrained in my character. I have a propensity to loose things and be somewhat hard on my own property. This being the case, it often makes more sense for me to buy a lot more of something lower quality then it does for me to buy a few of something which are high quality. I have bought cruddy pens and pencils before and yes there is a moment of annoyance when they break only a week after I have taken them out of their package, but that feeling is far outweighed by my comfort in the knowledge that I can loose 15 of these writing tools without being mad at myself.  Buying such a high quantity also allows me to be very charitable. 

I like giving things to people. I like to see a look of gratitude on people's face when they realize that I have helped them out even though I didn't have to. The expectation of this expression led me to offer everyone in my class pencils for the test. Many of them tried to give me the pencil back after the test was over. "No, no, no" I responded "This is Pencil Christmas... just pay it forward" and then I went on my merry way. 

I am not sure what my next holiday will be. I can't do them everyday because then they lose their power. The power of this decree I am able to make can't force anyone else to act any differently, but it changes my behavior. I become happier, more giving and more excited on days like Pencil Christmas. So if you happen to see me with a spring in my step, just ask me what holiday it is- and you can celebrate it to. 

The Convention Grill

Last night TheLady and I went out to eat at The Convention Grill. This restaurant is located in the area where I grew up and my family frequented this old fashioned diner. For my money, the convention grill has one of the best cheeseburgers in the city (a menu item on which I consider myself a connoisseur). In addition to wonderful burgers and fries the restaurant also has great butterfinger milkshakes and serves "phosphates" which are old timey-sodas where they mix the soda water and syrup together. 

Although the food is great, the atmosphere of the Convention Grill leaves something to be desired. The interior is set up like a 50's style diner, the waitresses all wear the same white dresses that you see in old happy days episodes and there is a jukebox playing. The problem is that the juke box doesn't have any old music. We were there for about an hour and we heard at least 3 Mariah Carey songs (and not the good Mariah songs like this... the REALLY bad ones). The other people in the restaurant were all high school students who were just "hanging out" after school. These were not the punk and artsy kids that I went to high school with. These were students from Edina and Southwest, two of the snobbiest prissiest public schools in the area.  

Overall the Convention Grill is well worth going to. I wouldn't recommend becoming a regular (unless you want to spray-tan, bleach your hair blond and wear your boyfriends letter jacket) but the food makes it a worth while adventure when you are bored and crave a cheeseburger.

Profile: Creed

At school there are a fair amount of wacky people. The old joke goes that people who volunteer to go to law school are insane by default but there are some people who just seem nuttier than most. There is a person who attends my school (I believe a third year) who serves as a great example of this.

There are a lot of strange things about this particular student that I have both observed and heard stories about. I have heard that he showers, brushes his teeth and flosses here at the school in the mornings. I have heard (though not seen) that in the wintertime he wears a hat made from polar fleece that is shaped like a neon pink and green dinosaur. He wears shorts and sandals every day (even that week when the temperature outside did not get above -10 degrees outside). He is not a young man by years (he appears to be about 60) but if his garb is any indication his is a young man at heart. I do not know this man's name but, as Mach 1 observed, he is the Creed Bratton (from The Office) of our law school so I will call him Creed.

I had never had any interaction with Creed for my first semester plus of law school. My first contact with him ever came today. This week (and this entire semester) has been particularly busy for me so I was trying to squeeze in some study time while waiting for my 1:30 class to start. I standing facing the recycling bins with my book propped up on them reading when a friend of mine came over. "What are you doing?" he asked, incredulous that I was reading standing up facing garbage cans. After explaining that I was studying he asked "well why are you doing it here?" Before I could respond Creed (who was just passing by in the hall) yelled "that's his office!" then he laughed to himself and kept walking.

Honestly these kinds of interactions with people might be my favorite. People that, in passing, offer a single joke simply because it came to mind show a joy for life that has been drained out of the majority of law students and professionals. I sincerely hope that I can rely on Creed for this kind of day-brightening one liner in the future. 

The Watchemen

I am a comic book geek. I was raised on comic books throughout my entire childhood (If you want a really good portrait of my childhood family life you can read this article by my mother about my father's comic book collection, I am the child described in almost every anecdote). As a result of my comic book education, when questions about comic books come up regular conversation I am the go to guy. Also when things related to comic books become big events in pop culture every person I know asks me if I am as excited as they are. This is usually a good thing because I love to flaunt my knowledge to anyone who will listen but lately one question has made me regret being a comic book fan: Are you excited for the Watchmen movie?

I fear this question simply because I do not know how to respond. Yes, the Watchmen is the most critically acclaimed comic book of all time. Yes, it is written by Alan Moore unquestionably one of (if not THE) greatest comic book writer of all time. Yes, the story is more mature and complex than any graphic novel that came before it. Yes, it is probably the most ambitious comic book movie yet. But I can't let myself get that excited for it. There are a few reasons for this.

For one thing I have only read the Watchmen one time, and I don't remember all the details of it. This statement amounts to blasphemy to some comic books fans but it wasn't my favorite book. Hell, it wasn't even in my top 3 favorite Alan Moore books.  I know I should give it another try (and I plan on reading it again before seeing the movie) but it just didn't hit me right.

A little background on Moore and the Watchmen: Alan Moore has made a career out of writing books that are commentary on the superhero comic books of the 1950's and 60's. Some books he has written, like Supreme or Tom Strong were brilliant observations on the constant reworkings of the Superman continuity. Other books like Top Ten break down the interactions of characters in a world where almost everyone has a superpower. This book was one of Moore's first treatises on silver-age superheroes. For starters each character in the Watchmen is based on a character from Charlston Comics (later acquired by DC)... Here are the Watchmen characters and the characters they were based on

Dr. Manhattan

Captain Atom        

Ozymandias

ThunderBolt

Rorschach

The Question    

Nite Owl

The Blue Beetle

The Comedian

Peacemaker

The Silk Spectre

Phantom Lady

Moore uses each of these characters to explore what would happen to the psyche of superheroes in real life. Dr. Manhattan has endless power and as such has lost his connection with humanity. Rorschach is psychotic in his pursuit of justice. Nite Owl is a dissection of a character who was complete as a costumed adventurer and doesn't feel whole in retirement. Other characters I will leave you to dissect (or search the Internet for) on your own. 

When this book came out in the 80's it marked the first time anyone had really delved into the psyche of people who are crazy enough to put on costumes and fight crime, but it was far from the last.  Since Watchmen comic books have evolved to the point where almost every story told is more about the powers affect on the character that has them than the powers ability to save ordinary people from harm. 

Ok, this story (as written by Moore) is pretty awesome... and it does a lot more with the superhero genre than any movie has done before. Also from the previews it looks visually stunning. The photos and clips I have seen of it make me feel like it will be the best cinematic experience I have had in years (if not ever). That is why I can't tell people what I think. I don't want to let myself be as excited as I really am. Because if this movie is bad... it will break my will to live... and then Zach Snider and I would have a bone to pick.

I am not a Fighter

I would love to start this off with the old cliche saying "I'm a lover not a fighter" but I hesitate to boast about my ability to love (only for the sake of modesty).  I will just leave my statement to the second clause- I am not a fighter. Although I am a blackbelt in karate I doubt I could beat up a 7 year old girl with cerebral palsy (I stopped doing karate in 8th grade so I don't think I remember any of it, also I went to a karate school strictly for kids with ADD and ADHD so none of us were very good). Despite my inability to fight I did get into a tussle over winter break. It was the first fight of my life and I am not sure whether I was on the winning side or the losing side, all I know is that if my side did win the fight I was not responsible for the victory at all. 

Over winter break I attended a going-away party for Big Dolph, a classmate of mine who was going away to fight for our country in the marines. After several hours of drinking I was ready to get out of there and because I was all drunkenly I left with an odd cast of characters. There was Parnell- a kid that I go to school with but had never really talked to before. Parnell has a reputation as one of the rowdiest drunks in the school and from my limited experience with him I think he lives up to that reputation. There was also a small town meteorologist (Meteorologist) who is friends with a girl that goes to the school that Parnell is trying to hook up with. I had met the meteorologist before but had only a passing familiarity with her. She brought along with her another random female friend (RandomGirl) that I don't think anyone had ever met and that girl's male cousin (Cousin). We were all going back to Parnell's for some reason I can not remember.

As we were crossing a parking lot Cousin started saying he was cold. Now, it was 3 am in a Minnesota December so of fucking course he was cold. I turn back to him "you are cold? you pussy!" I say jokingly through chattering teeth.  He does not take to this comment kindly. He immediately attacked me, forcing me to the ground and holding me there. Being that I have never been in a fight before and was inebriated I didn't know what was going on. Cousin then did something that shocked and confused me: he stuck his finger in my mouth.

Since that night I have told this story many times and usually I was met with someone saying to me "oh, they guy fishhooked you?" Apparently in street fights sticking your finger in your opponant's mouth is a regular and expected tactic. While this was happening I found myself trying to reason with the man instead of fighting back. I was (through the finger in my mouth) uttering mumbles somewhere between "are you goddamn kidding me?" and "why is your finger in my mouth?" Instead of answering he just kept on holding me down. This was where Parnell stepped in. 

Parnell bull-rushed Cousin and got him off of me. As I got up disoriented I saw Parnell with his legs wrapped around Cousin punching him in the face while holding him from behind. This is the closest thing to a UFC match I have ever seen. I look around and the rest of the cast of characters from that night. On the left I see Meteorologist looking at this violent scene with her mouth gaping open. to my right I see RandomGirl crouching up against the exterior of a brick building sobbing and getting into the fetal position. So I prioritize. I could get back into the fight and add to the violence, try to shake the Meteorologist out of her state of shock and awe or I could try to console the girl crying in the corner. Being a gentleman I try to talk the girl out of her crying. 

"yeah, I'm sorry... I don't even know why this is going on..." *sob* "I mean... it's gonna be ok" I was not very effective. After I gave up on consoling RandomGirl I turned my attention to Parnell and Cousin. Parnell was still punching Cousin in the face from behind and Cousin was also trying in vain to throw punches. So I took the time to try and restrain Cousin. I put him in a headlock from behind and tried again to reason with him: 

The Hamborgler- "listen, you really don't want to be doing this. Lets all just cool out and walk away ok?" 

Cousin- "shut the fuck up fat ass"

Now I have had a weight problem since I was a kid which has opened my up to a fair amount of criticism but I hardly thought this outburst was fair. Also, to describe Cousin- he is a man of around 26 who is about 5'1" and balding. He has physical deficiencies of his own which I would think would inhibit him from making remarks about my physical stature. I think wrong apparently. 

After a bit of me putting Cousin in a headlock things calmed down. Everyone stopped fighting and I was standing in between Parnell and Cousin attempting to keep the peace. I thought everyone was going their separate ways and I was congratulating myself on a successful attempt at playing mediator when I felt it: Cousin cold cocked me in the face then ran away. As I stood there feeling the pain in my jaw from a well struck fist I only had one thought in my head "this dude is a jack-ass."

So everyone split up- Meteorologist, RandomGirl and Cousin heading toward the bus while Parnell and I went back to his place. On the way back Parnell was so excited that he had been in a fight he was almost jumping. He kept saying "oohh man, you know I fucked him up. I always tell people you don't mess with my boys" (this night marked maybe the second time I had ever spoken to Parnell). At his apartment things got even more surreal. First Parnell asked me to hold an industrial strength flashlight up to his face while he found the contacts that had been knocked around his eyes in the process of the rumble. After an awkward 5 minutes he was able to find the rogue vision corrector. Then Parnell proceeded to tell me that he did, in fact, own a gun that he pulled to threaten people about 3 times a month and that if he ever told me to leave a social situation because "shit was about to go down" I should heed his advice. 

I went to sleep on his futon a little while later, hoping I would wake up in my own bed and realize the whole thing had been a dream. I did not. I woke up with an awful hangover, an achy jaw and Parnell asking me to tell some of his friends about how he fucked the guy up. It was a strange series of events.

I am not cut out for fighting, but I think that might be a positive thing. Honestly people who get in fights all the time into their mid-twenties are kind of pathetic. It is just an outdated show of masculinity which has lost it's place in contemporary society. That is not to say I am ungrateful that Parnell was there to have my back. Without him I would have few teeth if not a bit more dignity. I just don't think that the fighting life is for me. Now all I have to do is working on that "lover" thing.

Attack!

I do not enjoy studying. I like what I am learning, and I like the idea that in 2 and a half years I will be a lawyer, but I do not like to study. Reading books for hours and hours on end has given me nothing but a reoccurring headache and stress induced asthma. It hasn't even worsened my vision enough that I require glasses. (I have always wanted glasses because I think I look very good in them. Sadly though my vision has always been very good so I can't justify buying a nice pair. In my junior year at Miami I did get the mock trial program to buy me a pair to wear during trial. There was a time I wore the fake glasses around pretending I actually needed my vision corrected. I liked the way I looked but I lived in constant fear that another person would ask my prescription and when they discovered I had no prescription at all in them I would be revealed as a fraud. So I stopped wearing them. Since then I have read computer screens in dark rooms and sat too close to the TV in hopes that by the time I was out of law school I would need a pair. Yes it is superficial, but when you look good you look good.)

Since most of my time here at the law school revolves around finding a way not to study I have found a series of ways to distract. I started by playing ping pong about 2 hours a day, but I would get sweaty and gross so that was out. I then tried making regular trips (or "adventures") out 

around downtown to things like target or various eateries until I realized I do not have enough money for that. This blog is turning into my newest time wasting device. There is one time wasting device that has stayed with me since the very first day: Attack!

Attack is an application on facebook (the pinnacle of all time wasting devices) that allows users to play the board game Risk on the computer. It is called Attack instead of Risk to keep from copyright infringement other than that there is no difference between the 2 games. Risk is a game of world domination (you may have seen it 

on one of the iconic Seinfeld episodes in which Kramer and Newman have an epic battle going and try not to disrupt the game board while transporting it on the New York subway system). The game consists of a game map like this: 

Essentially as a player you are assigned a color and get a designated amount of armies every turn with which to conquer the world. You get more armies if you can hold an entire continent for a turn [7 extra for holding Asia, 5 for North America or Europe, 3 for Africa and 2 for either South America or "Oceania" (Australia)]. So long as you attack and conquer a territory on each turn you get a "risk card" with  infantryman, a horse or a cannon on it. If you turn in a set of these cards (either three of the same kind or one of each card) you will also get extra armies. The game sounds kind of complicated but it is actually rather simple. 

Now I have an inflated ego, and as such I like to play board games where I can dominate the entire world map. We used to play this board game in high school my friend Frenchie would get so upset while playing with me that she decreed we could no longer play the game. Fortunately in law school I have found a group of players that A) also have large enough egos that they want to conquer the world and B) are scheming and conniving enough to hang with me in the game. 

I would say that I have personally converted about 1/6 of my section into loyal Attack players. We play live games sometimes during class and have "friend" games (games where each person takes their turn whenever they can) going constantly. Currently I am involved in 8 separate friend games. and I finished 3 yesterday. I won't go into all the people I play with but I will tell you about one friend in particular: SlumLoanMillionaire. 

SlumLoan has a kind of addictive personality. He is addicted to many things that distract him from studying but as far as I can tell he is addicted to nothing more than Attack. He wakes up in the morning and the first thing he does is check his turns in friend games to make sure he isn't holding anything up. When he has 100 pages of reading left he will ask all of us if we want to play a live game "just to take a break." Although SlumLoan has only been playing for a few months he has probably played as many games as I have in my year and a half of playing attack. 

The funniest thing about SlumLoan though, is that he thinks he is the greatest thing to ever roll the dice on a risk board. At law prom last week he told me "you know TheHamborlger, if you ever beat me in Attack anymore it is only luck. You know I am better than you when it comes to skill." The nerve! Now, in Live games each person can acquire points- there are different games of various buy ins starting with 20 points and going all the way up to 5000 points. Usually I do not care too much about points but because of SlumLoan's boast I felt the need to start getting competitive. 

SlumLoan thought he was a little too big for his britches and bought into a 5000 point game, and promptly lost. He ended up on the day having only 40 points (you get 100 points just for signing in to the application everyday). Now as you all know I am hardly a boaster. I am not known to be cocky or kick a man when he is down, but SlumLoan's comment to me at law prom combined with his lack of points (for perspective i have about 29000 points) brought down on him a taunting the likes of which he has never seen. The best part of it is that SlumLoan takes it so seriously. Since my taunting began he has repeatedly threatened to "murder me in my sleep." No I respond to this by saying "SlumLoan, you know it takes someone smart enough to have more than 40 points to get into my house and murder me in my sleep." This angers him even more. 

Essentially my complete domination of SlumLoan in Attack points has given me the moral superiority I need. Anytime SlumLoan says anything to me even the least bit pejorative I can respond with "scoreboard SlumLoan, scoreboard."

My Biggest Pet Peeve

As cellular telephones have become more prevalent our manners as a society have become worse. People leave their ringers on during class or a movie, create a substantive danger to commuters by talking on their cell phones while driving and (thanks to bluetooth headsets) make everyone they are talking to aware that they are less important than the possibility they will get a call by never taking their phone away from their ears.

These are all somewhat maddening but to me there is one cell phone taboo that is more annoying than any other: forcing other people to eaves drop. Today on the bus to school this morning there was a small girl speaking on her cell phone disrupting the otherwise serene morning bus ride. She was speaking very loudly about some roommate drama that was happening with her. Apparently her roommate was upset that LoudTalker bought a wireless Internet router and as a result removed her own from the communal living space. I didn't want to know any of this, but because this girl was screaming into her cell phone and I didn't have my Ipod with me I had no choice but to listen. 

Most people who are reading this already know that being forced to eaves drop is my biggest pet peeve. If I am in a car with someone and they start having a conversation on their cell phone my blood starts to boil. An important distinction here is the "conversation" element. I do not mind when someone answer their phone to get directions to where we are going to to exchange 1 or 2 important pieces of information, but if I here someone say "so what did you do today?" I consider it over the line. The primary reason I get so annoyed with this I suppose is because I get bored if I am not stimulated constantly, and there is nothing to do when the one other person in the vehicle is on the phone. I can't exactly just walk away (at least not without a bad case of road rash). I can't turn up the radio to drown out the talking because then it is too loud for the other person to have their conversation and I become the rude one. So I am forced to sit there and look out the window and pretend that I am not paying attention to what the person next to me is talking about. 

You may have seen me try to spare others from my own infractions without even realizing it. If you have been in a study room with me when I receive a phone call and I get up and leave the room you may have thought I was secretly going to talk about you behind your back. No, I was just trying to spare you from listening to me tell my landlord I am not intending to live in that house again next year. If you are in a car with me going nowhere important you may have been confused when my phone rang and I answered "hey I am doing something right now, can I call you back later?" Don't worry, these were all just ways for me to avoid subjecting you to the awkward silence induced by pretending you are not eaves dropping on me.