Over winter break I attended a going-away party for Big Dolph, a classmate of mine who was going away to fight for our country in the marines. After several hours of drinking I was ready to get out of there and because I was all drunkenly I left with an odd cast of characters. There was Parnell- a kid that I go to school with but had never really talked to before. Parnell has a reputation as one of the rowdiest drunks in the school and from my limited experience with him I think he lives up to that reputation. There was also a small town meteorologist (Meteorologist) who is friends with a girl that goes to the school that Parnell is trying to hook up with. I had met the meteorologist before but had only a passing familiarity with her. She brought along with her another random female friend (RandomGirl) that I don't think anyone had ever met and that girl's male cousin (Cousin). We were all going back to Parnell's for some reason I can not remember.
As we were crossing a parking lot Cousin started saying he was cold. Now, it was 3 am in a Minnesota December so of fucking course he was cold. I turn back to him "you are cold? you pussy!" I say jokingly through chattering teeth. He does not take to this comment kindly. He immediately attacked me, forcing me to the ground and holding me there. Being that I have never been in a fight before and was inebriated I didn't know what was going on. Cousin then did something that shocked and confused me: he stuck his finger in my mouth.
Since that night I have told this story many times and usually I was met with someone saying to me "oh, they guy fishhooked you?" Apparently in street fights sticking your finger in your opponant's mouth is a regular and expected tactic. While this was happening I found myself trying to reason with the man instead of fighting back. I was (through the finger in my mouth) uttering mumbles somewhere between "are you goddamn kidding me?" and "why is your finger in my mouth?" Instead of answering he just kept on holding me down. This was where Parnell stepped in.
Parnell bull-rushed Cousin and got him off of me. As I got up disoriented I saw Parnell with his legs wrapped around Cousin punching him in the face while holding him from behind. This is the closest thing to a UFC match I have ever seen. I look around and the rest of the cast of characters from that night. On the left I see Meteorologist looking at this violent scene with her mouth gaping open. to my right I see RandomGirl crouching up against the exterior of a brick building sobbing and getting into the fetal position. So I prioritize. I could get back into the fight and add to the violence, try to shake the Meteorologist out of her state of shock and awe or I could try to console the girl crying in the corner. Being a gentleman I try to talk the girl out of her crying.
"yeah, I'm sorry... I don't even know why this is going on..." *sob* "I mean... it's gonna be ok" I was not very effective. After I gave up on consoling RandomGirl I turned my attention to Parnell and Cousin. Parnell was still punching Cousin in the face from behind and Cousin was also trying in vain to throw punches. So I took the time to try and restrain Cousin. I put him in a headlock from behind and tried again to reason with him:
The Hamborgler- "listen, you really don't want to be doing this. Lets all just cool out and walk away ok?"
Cousin- "shut the fuck up fat ass"
Now I have had a weight problem since I was a kid which has opened my up to a fair amount of criticism but I hardly thought this outburst was fair. Also, to describe Cousin- he is a man of around 26 who is about 5'1" and balding. He has physical deficiencies of his own which I would think would inhibit him from making remarks about my physical stature. I think wrong apparently.
After a bit of me putting Cousin in a headlock things calmed down. Everyone stopped fighting and I was standing in between Parnell and Cousin attempting to keep the peace. I thought everyone was going their separate ways and I was congratulating myself on a successful attempt at playing mediator when I felt it: Cousin cold cocked me in the face then ran away. As I stood there feeling the pain in my jaw from a well struck fist I only had one thought in my head "this dude is a jack-ass."
So everyone split up- Meteorologist, RandomGirl and Cousin heading toward the bus while Parnell and I went back to his place. On the way back Parnell was so excited that he had been in a fight he was almost jumping. He kept saying "oohh man, you know I fucked him up. I always tell people you don't mess with my boys" (this night marked maybe the second time I had ever spoken to Parnell). At his apartment things got even more surreal. First Parnell asked me to hold an industrial strength flashlight up to his face while he found the contacts that had been knocked around his eyes in the process of the rumble. After an awkward 5 minutes he was able to find the rogue vision corrector. Then Parnell proceeded to tell me that he did, in fact, own a gun that he pulled to threaten people about 3 times a month and that if he ever told me to leave a social situation because "shit was about to go down" I should heed his advice.
I went to sleep on his futon a little while later, hoping I would wake up in my own bed and realize the whole thing had been a dream. I did not. I woke up with an awful hangover, an achy jaw and Parnell asking me to tell some of his friends about how he fucked the guy up. It was a strange series of events.
I am not cut out for fighting, but I think that might be a positive thing. Honestly people who get in fights all the time into their mid-twenties are kind of pathetic. It is just an outdated show of masculinity which has lost it's place in contemporary society. That is not to say I am ungrateful that Parnell was there to have my back. Without him I would have few teeth if not a bit more dignity. I just don't think that the fighting life is for me. Now all I have to do is working on that "lover" thing.
Do I know Parnell? He sounds...like an interesting person.
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